Scientists in Hollywood California announced early Friday morning the first successfully cloned human being.

In explaining why they chose a child star over say, Albert Einstein or Steven Hawking as their initial subject, Clone-Co co-president Steve Johnson was unapologetic.

“Look maybe cloning those guys may have been a bigger contribution to science but here at Clone-Co we have bills to pay and cloning Dakota Fanning financially just made more sense. Her movies have made over 800 million dollars at the box office domestically alone, and we believe if our Dakota Fanning clone just accepts a couple of film roles the real Dakota turns down, our company will be back in the black within 6 months.”

“But we’re not being exploitive, even though we legally own every molecule in her body; we’re putting 50% of all her earning in a trust fund; which the Dakota clone will have access to when she turns 18. You know; if she actually lives that long…”

“And we’re taking great pains to raise the Dakota clone as a real girl. It’s funny”, co-president Frank Powers commented, “But for years we would go to the movies and my wife would ask, why can’t our own daughter be more like that cute Dakota Fanning? So you can imagine how thrilled she was when I brought Dakota home to live with us!”

“Unfortunately, we could only afford to keep one of the girls. It was nothing personal of course, it’s just Robert De Nero wouldn’t return my real daughter’s calls. Anyway, I understand they found her a happy new home living with Ellen DeGeneres’ hairdresser.”

Johnson and Powers concluded the press conference by announcing their clone had already landed her first role, alongside Cameron Diaz and the real Dakota Fanning in a movie entitled “My Sister’s Keeper”.

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